God Winks

I got two God Winks yesterday
I taught my pottery class
and the jewelry instructor
left me a glorious silver and gold pin
a turtle
a generous thank you for when I helped
set up her studio

on my way home
my thoughts were for a walk with the dogs
on Ocean Isle Beach
It was windy
the ocean an aggressive green with white caps
I always walk North
avoiding the South walk where Rick Page
stood in the water trying to help a beaver

I surprised myself
walking South and discovered Turtle Nest #30
this will be the last nest of the season
the one I will be watching with the Nest Parents
I looked at the street address
sat in the sand at the foamy waters edge
Moses lay down quietly, Emmie Lou too
Indigo obliviously following a gull into the waves

where we were yesterday
was where I once sat December 28, 2014
The God Wink lies in the turtles
a gift of a silver turtle
and my last nest
where Rick laid his heart to rest
things coming in circles
and not just the tide

Tide

I watch the tide going out
waters becoming more murky
and slowly the clarity is gone
today, this feels like my heart
friends and family rally to support me
it is a challenge on some days
to push forward into these waters
questioning what it is like to pretend
like I am living
I am glad he stole this heart of mine
he pushed in his gentle way
until he was exactly what I needed
I think I see him reflected in the waters
touching the surface again
causes ripples
a small school of transparent fish
scuttle past me
I can see them and see through them
My red paddle board glides on the water
closing my eyes, I hug my knees
breathe deeply and rock gently on the tide

Wild Horses

Finally got to make something of my own while working on other orders!  Feels good to be creative like this again!

Breath of Life

My family is here
I have waited almost 8 months
to see them, feel them and know they are within arms reach
today, Cyn on a paddle board and me in Rick's last birthday gift
a sea kayak, paddled and played in a pod of 5 dolphins
and finally, a sea turtle showed its shy self for a moment
"Dolphin" means "breath of life"
some days, I feel I don't have it in me to even take a good breath
today, though, tears streamed my face
salt water to salt water
as I could feel so strongly, his joy, his amazement
and most of all his wonder at the silver grey
of the dolphins
we were far out on the ocean line
and a yellow butterfly appeared out of nowhere
so I knew, as did Cynthia that both Rick and Julie were
with us
giving us the gift of sheer joy
in that moment
I felt connected to everything and anything
and it was like God touching me softly
a reassurance that it is okay to still breathe

Redemption

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Martha Murphy

1 min · Shallotte, NC · 

I feel as though I am shedding my skin
like a snake does
slowly but surely changing
feeling tired and lethargic while the transformation is happening
loading all of Rick's remote airplane equipment today
I know he held each one tenderly at some point
like he did me
my family is here and they can only partly comprehend
it is stressful, joyful and sorrowful all in day
a roller coaster ride I would not wish upon anyone
floating in the ocean
imagining him holding me in the warmth of the waters
I don't want to get out
my soul yearns to hold onto the peaceful calm of the waters
his voice inside me telling me it will always be okay
I hold my faith in my broken heart
small pieces crumbling away as I give parts of him away
In less than 8 months, I have given up all that was closest to my heart
there must be a reason
I try not to question the motivation
sometimes if feels impossible
not to wonder why or think what have I done to deserve this?
Is it a punishment or redemption?
For now, i try every moment not to question why
I search for answers of how I will make it through

Open

Today my niece and great niece
sat under the dark green leaves
of my giant magnolia tree
swinging softly on a half rotten swing
Noah, who is three pointed to my house
"her house looks like a garage"
he proclaimed
and B suggested a mural above my house entrance
thinking of the joy and love Rick Page and I put into our work
I agree a mural or sign is a great idea
My teal green bear riding on the back of a great blue heron
stars dangling from the reins
and since the name Waking Bear Studio
actually means "Awakening of the unconscious"
it finally feels appropriate after a year
to find myself waking from this stupor
a kiss from the three year old seals the deal
so a mural it shall be
a few shooting stars to add a little magic
and stardust where it is needed on so many days

Ocean

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Martha Murphy

5 mins · Shallotte, NC · 

Just when I think the pain of 18 years has lessened
it crops up among tears and hugs
and boundless love
a bridge that is always there
between me and my family
Rick Page had assured me countless times
to never let go
never give up hope
and above all remember to let your love shine through
so I hold my heart out
eyes half closed
half fearful of rejection
and then Noah sits on my lap
points to Fiddler crabs
and it is all okay again
I hug Alex close
like hugging a giant tree
feeling his warmth and love flow through us
like water for water
tomorrow dogs in tow
we will paddle board and kayak
splash water
tell scary shark stories
and feel the currents that twist and turn us all
in the end though
we will make it safely back to shore
stronger and more assured than ever before