Fear

Fear, that uncanny emotion
throwing our lives into instant turmoil
intangible why and where it begins
spirals of it like a constant uproar in my head

Looking for Faith
that whisper or his voice
that could make me instantly relax
take a deep breath and slow down a little

I worry about how I feel
that uncomfortable roller coaster ride
people wanting to help
and I am never sure how to accept this
or even where to begin

We built a world
of comfort and a sense of safety
mostly Love is what got us through each day
small triumphs like the chicken who finally laid an egg
or a design out of metal that we knew instantly
would sell

How do I find that creative joyfulness without him?
I wake to morning and last night was sure he was beside me
instead I touch Indigo and a toy football she snuck into the bed
I smile for a moment
the tears still come

The tears are my flood of grief
my holding back from moving forward
afraid I will never feel like living again
holding onto my tenuous hold of remaining Grateful
we were bound by our friendship and love
Fifteen years and each one better than the last