Saturday, February 28, 2015

Miakoda

I think of going back to PA
how hard it is to imagine
my husband's horse Miakoda (power of the moon)
never knowing the soft touch
or whisper of Rick Page
I can recall like yesterday
this young painted colt
abused and hungry
walking up to Rick with trust in his horse heart
Watching Glenn a horse trainer
and his wife, my friend, Ginny Brown
putting the two of them in a round pen together
It was like watching magic happen
Miakoda's large eye on Rick
Their movement together
until they walked as one
no halter, no lead rope
Beautiful body communication without words
Miakoda was Rick's 40th birthday present
he claimed this horse was the best gift ever
Watching the connection
was a mystery and somehow made me love Rick more
Later, there was always that magic
Miakoda knew Rick's truck
and would be at the gate in an instant
waiting for the rustle of the peppermint
that Rick would hide in his pocket
It will be hard to go back to PA
whisper in a horse's heart
your owner is not coming back
but he will watch over you
until it is time for you two to be together once again

Ambush

I feel almost everything I see
is a form of ambush
bringing together
memories I am try
to hold at bay

Your invisibility
is the reminder that I am unable
to accept you will not be coming back
I would do anything if I could only change that

Please know how I hold you
in my heart and memories
I hope you know how much
I love and loved you


Friday, February 27, 2015

Purpose

What purpose have I been
in this lifetime
that threatens to consume
what little there is that is left of me

How could you leave?
I begged for you to take care of yourself
I am angry that you did not do this
I am angry that I am left alone without you

I miss your voice
the way you held me at night
your way of making me laugh
even if I was upset or angry

I loved that you knew me best
understood me
and now there is no one I can call
or turn to who can accept me for this

I hate that we had so little time here
it was not enough
what am I supposed to do now?
I feel broken again
pointless to put pieces together

I felt loved and accepted by you
it was unconditional
I hope that God truly
accepts me in the same way

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Tears and Ice

Today the frozen trees
remind me of visible ghosts
a strange haunting
fog clinging to the icicles
we were here last year
in a similar storm
laughing at the Southerns
who rarely see ice or snow
Rick driving as we passed
various adults and children
riding laundry baskets and cookie sheets
on the frozen earth
I feel stuck, like I am the frozen tree
nothing beautiful to offer
and feeling like a ghost of myself
He feels like an echo in my heart
mine barely beating
bleeding tears from my frozen limbs

Monday, February 23, 2015

Us

Dear Rick Page
I will hold you
safe and strong
in my secret heart
you will always be young
I will hold you close
my constant reminder
of unconditional acceptance
when I miss you most
I picture us gliding on salt marshes
in our kayaks
secretly searching for the shy blue heron or white egret
we are silent in our world
peaceful and calm
where you are cherished and remembered
I wanted to call you today
to tell you another gallery loves OUR work
I could feel your smile
because you already knew
and your whisper as always
I am your shell seeker and watch over you

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Say Something

I would have given everything I possessed
material and spiritual
to have made that day on the beach different
If we are lucky and find the right one
we become one person
and our lives are so entwined
that verbal communication is hardly necessary
There is Nothing I would not have done
to make that day on the beach different
except, some miracle would have happened
and the people who extended every energy they had
would have saved you
selfish me. wanting you to be here longer
daily remembering of what I have because of you
Love, Acceptance and Grief
I dread going to bed without you
except the dog you chose
Indigo faces me nightly
to wash the tears from my face
sometimes I think,she is you
soft paw on my face
a quiet sigh and she tries to calm me to sleep
She chose you, and now she chooses me
a reminder to rest and face another day
with resilience and fortitude and above all
my main goal to make you proud and
to feel that I am worthwhile saving  with your grace and comfort

Friday, February 20, 2015

Please Stay

I begged you on the beach that day
please stay, don't die
I will fall apart without you
I knew the moment that you kneeled
in the sand and shells
that your beautiful heart
had stopped beating
I watched the rise and fall
of the people who tried so desperately
to help you
I watched completely helpless and also hopeless
I wanted another 40 years of love with you
My heart broke with yours on the beach too
Begging you to stay was not enough
Sometimes
not matter what we do, it is not enough