Grace in White Balloons

Today, the last session of Grief Share

what an amazing and giving group of people

releasing white balloons with a prayer

for me, the balloon read

Rick, Tad, John, Julie and Jim

floating with small gusts of wind

some of the balloons soared

others floated near us as if hovering

unsure if we were really ready to let go

It is in the letting go

we find we can coexist better

with joy and sadness

storing memories of them

in secret places

hiding them until we need to be reminded

that Love never disappears like the balloons

it hovers, lingering

until the wind caresses us with gentle grace

we can allow a little peace into our hearts and minds

Love will never be vanquished

Mind Full

Waking dreams
finding myself in a frantic search for Moses
he is confused as I look for him 
and he is right beside me on the bed
sleep eludes me these past few weeks
I feel so tightly wound
like I am going to unravel at any moment
and then I do
I feel like a hurricane is passing through me
and I am also the hurricane
tears as salty as the ocean
stain my hands and face
like little scars
until all I feel I am made up of is the scars themselves
The naked truth is
this does not get easier
courage is labeled like an empty bottle
and strength, like sleeping
is part of the waking dream cycle
Once said in a song
am i falling to pieces
it is hard to imagine that the pieces
are falling into place

Grace

I dream of love letters
words spoken
and unspoken
bliss, love and gratitude
all wrapped into one lovely place
in grace
I write the letters in my dreams
paint them on my canvases
find hidden rooms
to store that love
so on the days I feel empty
I can unlock one of those rooms
allow that golden sun to still shine through
sweeping the cobwebs from my heart and mind
remembering to live in the moment
He was my teacher
I was not ready at the time to understand his message
I am willing to learn about it now
I think that might be the meaning of grace

Raining Tears

Today, while the rains fall heavily
I feel like they are just a reflection
of all the tears I have not shed yet
In my Grief Support Group
I sit beside a woman
really, she is a Viking
a giant, gentle woman from Iceland
her tears move me
and each time she hugs me
in a gentle bear hug
it is an unspoken assurance
that somehow we understand one another
I am grateful for kind people
my new friends from our Turtle nests
those that hugged me without question
when I cried at Nest #30
while 21 babies made it on the rough seas
it gives me hope
that I too can make it on rough seas
maybe even help someone else
who is on a similar journey
I hope for a day when my puzzle pieces
will somehow fit into a pattern I can recognize
all those scars healing

New One of Kind pieces

Making some new One of a Kind pieces!

Fairy Moon

There is suffering in this world
seeking out some joyful corners
where a little light seeps through
last night while sitting the turtle next #30
a gorgeous rainbow encircled the moon
someone in a folded chair
claiming :"It's a Fairy Moon"
it was light enough that it seemed like daylight
no baby turtles yet
this nest, so so close to where Rick Page
tried to help a sea soaked beaver
it is hard for me to go there
and yet it is healing
to see a Fairy Moon
among friends and the crashing of the waves
stars glimmering between the clouds
I push my heavy heart
lifting it to that rainbow around the moon
blow a kiss to the one I love most
I feel a small piece of him return to my heavy heart
Godspeed to those who have loved and lost
we are truly the fortunate ones

God Winks

I got two God Winks yesterday
I taught my pottery class
and the jewelry instructor
left me a glorious silver and gold pin
a turtle
a generous thank you for when I helped
set up her studio

on my way home
my thoughts were for a walk with the dogs
on Ocean Isle Beach
It was windy
the ocean an aggressive green with white caps
I always walk North
avoiding the South walk where Rick Page
stood in the water trying to help a beaver

I surprised myself
walking South and discovered Turtle Nest #30
this will be the last nest of the season
the one I will be watching with the Nest Parents
I looked at the street address
sat in the sand at the foamy waters edge
Moses lay down quietly, Emmie Lou too
Indigo obliviously following a gull into the waves

where we were yesterday
was where I once sat December 28, 2014
The God Wink lies in the turtles
a gift of a silver turtle
and my last nest
where Rick laid his heart to rest
things coming in circles
and not just the tide

Tide

I watch the tide going out
waters becoming more murky
and slowly the clarity is gone
today, this feels like my heart
friends and family rally to support me
it is a challenge on some days
to push forward into these waters
questioning what it is like to pretend
like I am living
I am glad he stole this heart of mine
he pushed in his gentle way
until he was exactly what I needed
I think I see him reflected in the waters
touching the surface again
causes ripples
a small school of transparent fish
scuttle past me
I can see them and see through them
My red paddle board glides on the water
closing my eyes, I hug my knees
breathe deeply and rock gently on the tide

Wild Horses

Finally got to make something of my own while working on other orders!  Feels good to be creative like this again!

Breath of Life

My family is here
I have waited almost 8 months
to see them, feel them and know they are within arms reach
today, Cyn on a paddle board and me in Rick's last birthday gift
a sea kayak, paddled and played in a pod of 5 dolphins
and finally, a sea turtle showed its shy self for a moment
"Dolphin" means "breath of life"
some days, I feel I don't have it in me to even take a good breath
today, though, tears streamed my face
salt water to salt water
as I could feel so strongly, his joy, his amazement
and most of all his wonder at the silver grey
of the dolphins
we were far out on the ocean line
and a yellow butterfly appeared out of nowhere
so I knew, as did Cynthia that both Rick and Julie were
with us
giving us the gift of sheer joy
in that moment
I felt connected to everything and anything
and it was like God touching me softly
a reassurance that it is okay to still breathe

Redemption

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Martha Murphy

1 min · Shallotte, NC · 

I feel as though I am shedding my skin
like a snake does
slowly but surely changing
feeling tired and lethargic while the transformation is happening
loading all of Rick's remote airplane equipment today
I know he held each one tenderly at some point
like he did me
my family is here and they can only partly comprehend
it is stressful, joyful and sorrowful all in day
a roller coaster ride I would not wish upon anyone
floating in the ocean
imagining him holding me in the warmth of the waters
I don't want to get out
my soul yearns to hold onto the peaceful calm of the waters
his voice inside me telling me it will always be okay
I hold my faith in my broken heart
small pieces crumbling away as I give parts of him away
In less than 8 months, I have given up all that was closest to my heart
there must be a reason
I try not to question the motivation
sometimes if feels impossible
not to wonder why or think what have I done to deserve this?
Is it a punishment or redemption?
For now, i try every moment not to question why
I search for answers of how I will make it through

Open

Today my niece and great niece
sat under the dark green leaves
of my giant magnolia tree
swinging softly on a half rotten swing
Noah, who is three pointed to my house
"her house looks like a garage"
he proclaimed
and B suggested a mural above my house entrance
thinking of the joy and love Rick Page and I put into our work
I agree a mural or sign is a great idea
My teal green bear riding on the back of a great blue heron
stars dangling from the reins
and since the name Waking Bear Studio
actually means "Awakening of the unconscious"
it finally feels appropriate after a year
to find myself waking from this stupor
a kiss from the three year old seals the deal
so a mural it shall be
a few shooting stars to add a little magic
and stardust where it is needed on so many days

Ocean

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Martha Murphy

5 mins · Shallotte, NC · 

Just when I think the pain of 18 years has lessened
it crops up among tears and hugs
and boundless love
a bridge that is always there
between me and my family
Rick Page had assured me countless times
to never let go
never give up hope
and above all remember to let your love shine through
so I hold my heart out
eyes half closed
half fearful of rejection
and then Noah sits on my lap
points to Fiddler crabs
and it is all okay again
I hug Alex close
like hugging a giant tree
feeling his warmth and love flow through us
like water for water
tomorrow dogs in tow
we will paddle board and kayak
splash water
tell scary shark stories
and feel the currents that twist and turn us all
in the end though
we will make it safely back to shore
stronger and more assured than ever before

Milky Way

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Martha Murphy

8 hrs · Shallotte, NC ·


At yoga today
Lori said, live each day like you are dying
I found myself in tears
hot salt running down my face
as my partner was helping me to stretch
and maybe that is the point
I need to stretch and grow
finally beginning to glimpse what Rick Page
so simply said
"Be happy"
finding myself looking at an angel drawing
a first grader did for me months ago
with big green letters: BE HAPPY
Tonight, my great nieces and great nephew
hunting ghost crabs
under the gorgeous gaze of the Milky Way glow
Noah, a bold three year old
holding a flashlight
excited to see a ghost crab the size of a half penny
My eyes, just catching that quick movement
his excitement at finding something on his own
he holds my hand
his striped shorts wet from warm waters lapping at his short legs
the four of us head back to the ocean cottage
Julianna, his oldest sister lifts him over a chair
his proud cry" I am just a little man"
and he is so much more than even me
innocent, kind and above all
living each moment
with breathless anticipation and joy
we reach together to touch the milky way sky
his warm hand in mine
and for a moment I feel love flow through us
I am grateful and feel a pang of joy
It will be a good two weeks rediscovering
self and others

Turtle Night

Only for tonight
I will share with you
a magical night on the beach
water changing from hues of green and blue
people waiting in chairs
anticipating that the drop in the sand
of a turtle nest we are watching
means life hovers below
as the night darkens
we are enthralled with the meteor showers
and then a sudden change in the nest
Viki likes to say the sand gets fluffy
and a sandy turtle head appears
waits, while we hold our breaths
then the boil of flippers, fins, heads and shells
66 in all
with red lights we guide them
down the man made trench
capturing this swarming mass in a sand encrusted cooler
it is too far to the white capped waves
we release tangled bodies into water
so warm it feels like a tepid bath
one lone turtle still in the cooler'
I check and with gloved hand
release him into a shallow water
it is a breathtaking birth
we observer and help where we can
I see a trail of a meteor
green glow and I know Rick Page
sees and knows it all
he sends another shooting star
the turtle boil is over
we drive home wondering at the wideness of our world
and how such a life giving moment
helps us treasure every breath we take

First

It is a year of firsts
first hour without him
falling asleep while touching his pillow
first time the phone rang
and I could only wish it was him
first meltdown
one day, months later
laughing over something ridiculous
a foreign sound that startles me
first birthday without him
small tasks completed
he can only watch and praise
in his silence
there are too many firsts to count
I have watered our property
with salty tears
I say out loud
thank you for all your gifts, your life and love
and I remember the first time he
told me he loved me
and there were tears of joy then
how different tears can be
I hold these memories
relive the joyful moments
and that is a first too

Guide Me

Feeling good is a day to day struggle
sometimes I am grateful for a good moment
I cling to these times and hope
the light will still guide me
When I am working
and painting or cutting sculptures
I feel like he is just around the corner
watching me, encouraging me and sometimes
telling me to slow down
take a breath and to be above all
alive, creating and still here
It does not get easier
some days it is sheer will power
and strength that gets me through
I have faith we are still one
in many ways
I still feel amazed at having been so loved completely
today I silently thanked him for his invisible guide
and love

Spirit

And one day
the very worn and tired looking Velveteen Rabbit
became real
changed into another form
well loved from the beginning
and remembered for all the times he gave comfort and encouragement
Melissa Kanaskie Cullin told me
just think he is in the other room
you can still talk to him
hear what he would normally reply
collect those memories
store them in a beautiful box in your mind
and when you feel sad
open the box and let a memory float peacefully to your heart
the box will never be empty
and neither will I

Waning Moon

I look at a sky full of stars 
or are the stars full of sky
i wonder at the glow of colors
painting in my mind
stars of Vincent Van Gogh
Today a small package arrived
inside a silver necklace
with a single feather
the sender not knowing what this would mean for me
a sign from Rick Page?
He follows gently in my footprints in the sand
holds my gloved hand
while I gently turn over a baby loggerhead turtle
he feels my wonder at this birth
and then the death of a star
racing across the sky
in a blaze of gold and green
I hold my breath
make a wish and then turn it back in my mind
because wishing will not make it so
instead, I whisper a quiet blessing
for the journey of the turtle
star lit waters baptizing each baby
I wash the sand from my feet
close my eyes and feel him surrounding me
in the light of a waning moon

White Heron

Two golden days in a row
a morning paddle in the salt marsh
white herons standing on pencil thin black legs
bright yellow beaks against their snowy feathers
flying in silence as we float past
sitting on the board
my eyes close in the morning sun
the quietness stilling my heart
at home I work on a turtle table
zen doodling all afternoon
time passing so quickly
and I realize I have made it a good day
I am thankful for my work
being a turtle nest parent tonight
North Carolina has called me home

Turtles

By the light of a blue moon
water rising in tides of blues and grays
white caps on the waves
and a turtle nest showing signs of life
at first only one tiny flipper emerging from the sand
we wait nearly 2 hours and it waves at us
then another head emerges
sand in his eyes like a sleepy child
and then the moment we had waited for
flippers, legs, heads and a sudden surge
48 sibling loggerhead babies
boiling to the surface
headed down our man made trench
we named it the great wall of Ocean Isle Beach
their tiny tracks and glistening shells
hurry, hurry hear the ocean calling them home

Ella

My neighbor Ella
nicknamed "Monk"
let me send her a text the other day
Girl, she says, are you okay?
You seem like your going a little crazy
I asked her
Can you fix me?
Well, she said
I can certainly fix your hair
So I sat down in her kitchen
while she got out her cutting scissors
highly decorated in a Zebra pattern
She teaches cosmetology at Cape Fear College
Boy, she says, I been dying to cut your hair
You sit yourself down and let's see what I can fix
I asked her, how do you fix yourself when you feel so bad inside
she thinks for a moment
Well, I mostly sits myself down and watches movies
on Netflix til that bad feeling go away
I tell her, I think I might need about a week of constant TV
She says, you got your work honey
making and creating
Take those memories, turn them into something real pretty
You'll feel better if you do
There she says with a grin
I just took 10 years off and you look cute
To my surprise, she has taken most of my hair off
I feel a little like a pixie
and I do feel better
She says, reach out to others
help where you can
Life will get better
and remember I bet this is the first time you EVER
got your hairs cut by a black woman
I laugh and say, that is the truth
Closing the door to her house
I may have just made a friend

Vincent Van Gogh

Pretty soon
another star will either shine like no other
or fade until we forget it existed at all
which star would you be?
the one we see constantly and recognize
for its brightness in the sky
or the one we wish we had noticed more
because suddenly it is no longer apparent in the sky
do we remember it for its color and brilliance
or just the fact that we miss it for not being there anymore?
My star I hold in my secret place in my heart
he shines with a strong flame
without his light, I might be lost and floundering
his heart, although not physically strong
has a light and power that nothing can put out
I have daily reminders that he is with me
and also with his children
subtle ways to show his spirit is strong
guiding us when we might feel misdirected
I am grateful when he points out the obvious
and even more so when he sends me on a treasure hunt
to discover I knew how to do it all along
I miss you with all my heart and soul
Love, such a difficult word to encompass
although words are not enough
Acceptance for our human frailties covers most of it