Sunday, August 23, 2015

Breath of Life

My family is here
I have waited almost 8 months
to see them, feel them and know they are within arms reach
today, Cyn on a paddle board and me in Rick's last birthday gift
a sea kayak, paddled and played in a pod of 5 dolphins
and finally, a sea turtle showed its shy self for a moment
"Dolphin" means "breath of life"
some days, I feel I don't have it in me to even take a good breath
today, though, tears streamed my face
salt water to salt water
as I could feel so strongly, his joy, his amazement
and most of all his wonder at the silver grey
of the dolphins
we were far out on the ocean line
and a yellow butterfly appeared out of nowhere
so I knew, as did Cynthia that both Rick and Julie were
with us
giving us the gift of sheer joy
in that moment
I felt connected to everything and anything
and it was like God touching me softly
a reassurance that it is okay to still breathe

Saturday, August 22, 2015


  • News Feed

    I feel as though I am shedding my skin
    like a snake does
    slowly but surely changing
    feeling tired and lethargic while the transformation is happening
    loading all of Rick's remote airplane equipment today
    I know he held each one tenderly at some point
    like he did me
    my family is here and they can only partly comprehend
    it is stressful, joyful and sorrowful all in day
    a roller coaster ride I would not wish upon anyone
    floating in the ocean
    imagining him holding me in the warmth of the waters
    I don't want to get out
    my soul yearns to hold onto the peaceful calm of the waters
    his voice inside me telling me it will always be okay
    I hold my faith in my broken heart
    small pieces crumbling away as I give parts of him away
    In less than 8 months, I have given up all that was closest to my heart
    there must be a reason
    I try not to question the motivation
    sometimes if feels impossible
    not to wonder why or think what have I done to deserve this?
    Is it a punishment or redemption?
    For now, i try every moment not to question why
    I search for answers of how I will make it through

    Thursday, August 20, 2015


    Today my niece and great niece
    sat under the dark green leaves
    of my giant magnolia tree
    swinging softly on a half rotten swing
    Noah, who is three pointed to my house
    "her house looks like a garage"
    he proclaimed
    and B suggested a mural above my house entrance
    thinking of the joy and love Rick Page and I put into our work
    I agree a mural or sign is a great idea
    My teal green bear riding on the back of a great blue heron
    stars dangling from the reins
    and since the name Waking Bear Studio
    actually means "Awakening of the unconscious"
    it finally feels appropriate after a year
    to find myself waking from this stupor
    a kiss from the three year old seals the deal
    so a mural it shall be
    a few shooting stars to add a little magic
    and stardust where it is needed on so many days


  • What's on your mind?
    1. News Feed

      Just when I think the pain of 18 years has lessened
      it crops up among tears and hugs
      and boundless love
      a bridge that is always there
      between me and my family
      Rick Page had assured me countless times
      to never let go
      never give up hope
      and above all remember to let your love shine through
      so I hold my heart out
      eyes half closed
      half fearful of rejection
      and then Noah sits on my lap
      points to Fiddler crabs
      and it is all okay again
      I hug Alex close
      like hugging a giant tree
      feeling his warmth and love flow through us
      like water for water
      tomorrow dogs in tow
      we will paddle board and kayak
      splash water
      tell scary shark stories
      and feel the currents that twist and turn us all
      in the end though
      we will make it safely back to shore
      stronger and more assured than ever before

    Sunday, August 16, 2015

    Milky Way

      News Feed

      At yoga today
      Lori said, live each day like you are dying
      I found myself in tears
      hot salt running down my face
      as my partner was helping me to stretch
      and maybe that is the point
      I need to stretch and grow
      finally beginning to glimpse what Rick Page
      so simply said
      "Be happy"
      finding myself looking at an angel drawing
      a first grader did for me months ago
      with big green letters: BE HAPPY
      Tonight, my great nieces and great nephew
      hunting ghost crabs
      under the gorgeous gaze of the Milky Way glow
      Noah, a bold three year old
      holding a flashlight
      excited to see a ghost crab the size of a half penny
      My eyes, just catching that quick movement
      his excitement at finding something on his own
      he holds my hand
      his striped shorts wet from warm waters lapping at his short legs
      the four of us head back to the ocean cottage
      Julianna, his oldest sister lifts him over a chair
      his proud cry" I am just a little man"
      and he is so much more than even me
      innocent, kind and above all
      living each moment
      with breathless anticipation and joy
      we reach together to touch the milky way sky
      his warm hand in mine
      and for a moment I feel love flow through us
      I am grateful and feel a pang of joy
      It will be a good two weeks rediscovering
      self and others

    Friday, August 14, 2015

    Turtle Night

    Only for tonight
    I will share with you
    a magical night on the beach
    water changing from hues of green and blue
    people waiting in chairs
    anticipating that the drop in the sand
    of a turtle nest we are watching
    means life hovers below
    as the night darkens
    we are enthralled with the meteor showers
    and then a sudden change in the nest
    Viki likes to say the sand gets fluffy
    and a sandy turtle head appears
    waits, while we hold our breaths
    then the boil of flippers, fins, heads and shells
    66 in all
    with red lights we guide them
    down the man made trench
    capturing this swarming mass in a sand encrusted cooler
    it is too far to the white capped waves
    we release tangled bodies into water
    so warm it feels like a tepid bath
    one lone turtle still in the cooler'
    I check and with gloved hand
    release him into a shallow water
    it is a breathtaking birth
    we observer and help where we can
    I see a trail of a meteor
    green glow and I know Rick Page
    sees and knows it all
    he sends another shooting star
    the turtle boil is over
    we drive home wondering at the wideness of our world
    and how such a life giving moment
    helps us treasure every breath we take

    Wednesday, August 12, 2015


    It is a year of firsts
    first hour without him
    falling asleep while touching his pillow
    first time the phone rang
    and I could only wish it was him
    first meltdown
    one day, months later
    laughing over something ridiculous
    a foreign sound that startles me
    first birthday without him
    small tasks completed
    he can only watch and praise
    in his silence
    there are too many firsts to count
    I have watered our property
    with salty tears
    I say out loud
    thank you for all your gifts, your life and love
    and I remember the first time he
    told me he loved me
    and there were tears of joy then
    how different tears can be
    I hold these memories
    relive the joyful moments
    and that is a first too

    Tuesday, August 11, 2015

    Guide Me

    Feeling good is a day to day struggle
    sometimes I am grateful for a good moment
    I cling to these times and hope
    the light will still guide me
    When I am working
    and painting or cutting sculptures
    I feel like he is just around the corner
    watching me, encouraging me and sometimes
    telling me to slow down
    take a breath and to be above all
    alive, creating and still here
    It does not get easier
    some days it is sheer will power
    and strength that gets me through
    I have faith we are still one
    in many ways
    I still feel amazed at having been so loved completely
    today I silently thanked him for his invisible guide
    and love

    Sunday, August 9, 2015


    And one day
    the very worn and tired looking Velveteen Rabbit
    became real
    changed into another form
    well loved from the beginning
    and remembered for all the times he gave comfort and encouragement
    Melissa Kanaskie Cullin told me
    just think he is in the other room
    you can still talk to him
    hear what he would normally reply
    collect those memories
    store them in a beautiful box in your mind
    and when you feel sad
    open the box and let a memory float peacefully to your heart
    the box will never be empty
    and neither will I

    Tuesday, August 4, 2015

    Waning Moon

    I look at a sky full of stars 
    or are the stars full of sky
    i wonder at the glow of colors
    painting in my mind
    stars of Vincent Van Gogh
    Today a small package arrived
    inside a silver necklace
    with a single feather
    the sender not knowing what this would mean for me
    a sign from Rick Page?
    He follows gently in my footprints in the sand
    holds my gloved hand
    while I gently turn over a baby loggerhead turtle
    he feels my wonder at this birth
    and then the death of a star
    racing across the sky
    in a blaze of gold and green
    I hold my breath
    make a wish and then turn it back in my mind
    because wishing will not make it so
    instead, I whisper a quiet blessing
    for the journey of the turtle
    star lit waters baptizing each baby
    I wash the sand from my feet
    close my eyes and feel him surrounding me
    in the light of a waning moon

    Saturday, August 1, 2015

    White Heron

    Two golden days in a row
    a morning paddle in the salt marsh
    white herons standing on pencil thin black legs
    bright yellow beaks against their snowy feathers
    flying in silence as we float past
    sitting on the board
    my eyes close in the morning sun
    the quietness stilling my heart
    at home I work on a turtle table
    zen doodling all afternoon
    time passing so quickly
    and I realize I have made it a good day
    I am thankful for my work
    being a turtle nest parent tonight
    North Carolina has called me home