Saturday, January 31, 2015

Always here

I dreamt of that morning
our sharing of steaming cups of coffee
serious chatter about our gratefulness
for our friends here and in PA
a playdate brought up
time at our beach
dogs running free in the sparkle of the sea

no ordinary day
as a distraught beaver floundered in the waves
no animal control felt him a worthy save
so we gathered with people we did not know
striving for a solution to save the beaver
I did not know the beaver had come
to take Rick to his next greatest place

Only moments after Rick took the photo of the beaver
a hasty post on facebook
our solution to capture this creature and release him in our pond
In just a few moments that all changed
Rick with net in hand
turned to me and I knew something was wrong
He said....I think I just got scared for a moment
When he crumbled to the sand
I knew then he was gone
A moment later
I don't know why
I looked for the beaver and he too was gone

Today on the beach
Moses sat in the spot where I feel Rick was
he was motionless
then touched his nose to an olive shell hidden amongst oyster shells
I felt compelled to pick up what he had found
Moses rested there for a moment
sniffed the wind
touched my hand with cold nose
Each of us breathing in that feeling
that Rick was walking beside us all day


Pennsyvania cold, that chill to the bone
and I ache for so many other reasons
Tears come listening to a song on the radio
or just looking at the Plasma table I do not know how to run
I am surrounded by love and strength and prayer
I touch my heart and remind myself it must be enough
Riding in the car with his twin is something I am grateful for
this trip back to where I grew up
just a reminder that my only family is my brother in law
widower to my sister and their children
nothing seems to bind me here
It is like visiting a forgotten dreaam
My shell seeker is with me
I can feel him close and whispering that I will be okay
Holding onto just that is what can get me through an endless minute
I feel like a puzzle, torn apart and missing so many pieces
Shell seeker will have to help me figure out how to put myself together again
I will welcome his breath offered by the ocean breeze


I have had many difficult days in the past....probably the worst being when my sister took her own life....the shock of that lives with me on a nearly daily basis even 18 years later. Today, I felt part of a much larger family than I ever expected to see or feel at Rick's service. I learned things about him and I know that the perfection created today took many, many hearts and hands and that all those efforts were made for the greater good.......our love of Rick! I am beyond grateful for all the people who helped because in my present state of mind, I am not sure I would have made it through the day. I found myself laughing and crying and feeling surrounded by love and friendship......the best things that anyone could ever wish for at any given time. Thank you to my step children who treated me today like they realized I am a part of their family......I hope that door stays open


One dies
and the grief is so much more 
than just a stumbling block
It is that numbness
that succumbs to tears
brought on because you can't find yourself anymore
Those missing parts
sharing a thought just by a look with no words
Always wishing you had just one more day
to say all the things that might have seemed trivial
The I love you said daily
even now


Fifteen year ago
I met someone who changed my life
gave me a reason to believe in self
reasons about self preservation
motivation to dream and to make the dream come true
his password for me
the sea shall call her home
and so instead it called him home first
He is the stars in the sky for me
on even the darkest night
I am not frightened
I have loved each and every moment he spent with me
When we meet again
it will bring another tomorrow
another memory
a chance to live and love through him

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Never Forget

This life of ours that has so many shifting changes
some we can foresee
while others blindside us with an unforgivable vengeance
and we wonder, did we make the wrong choice
what can this sorrow teach us?

I see his red truck and wear his snookie cap even though it is not cold
Sleeping at night is a forgotten promise
so I fill that space with an enormous mastiff named Emmie Lou
she is grateful for the space but questions me every night I invite her to sleep in his place

It truly is the small stuff that come to light so quickly
freshly made coffee in the morning and excited chatter about what we might design or create that day
finding ourselves holding hands while we slept
that heart warmth so simple and profound

Growing in love with our faults and character flaws
that knowledge that he accepted me in all my forms and loved me just the same
As the broken shell, I was valuable and beautiful to him
I can only hope that he knows that I mirrored that for him in the best ways I knew how
Today, the missing of him has blindsided me over and over
This river of tears and fears seems an endless mudslide

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Rick My Shell Seeker

I met a shell seeker once
his eyes scanned the sea horizon
and he saw and found things I did not understand then

Always, the shells were imperfect and had unique spirals at the tops
he would hide them in his hand and breathe life into the broken parts
When I saw them, I could see all the beauty he found in the imperfection

I hold my shell seeker close in my heart
sometimes it feels as if his heart is helping mine to beat
When I needed to it felt as if I could crawl inside him and rest for a while

I look at all the stars in the sky, reflecting in the water
with their shimmer and changing shape
and I too will move with these ocean waters
I hope he holds me like the imperfect shell and breaths life into my broken places