Breath of Life

My family is here
I have waited almost 8 months
to see them, feel them and know they are within arms reach
today, Cyn on a paddle board and me in Rick's last birthday gift
a sea kayak, paddled and played in a pod of 5 dolphins
and finally, a sea turtle showed its shy self for a moment
"Dolphin" means "breath of life"
some days, I feel I don't have it in me to even take a good breath
today, though, tears streamed my face
salt water to salt water
as I could feel so strongly, his joy, his amazement
and most of all his wonder at the silver grey
of the dolphins
we were far out on the ocean line
and a yellow butterfly appeared out of nowhere
so I knew, as did Cynthia that both Rick and Julie were
with us
giving us the gift of sheer joy
in that moment
I felt connected to everything and anything
and it was like God touching me softly
a reassurance that it is okay to still breathe

Redemption

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Martha Murphy

1 min · Shallotte, NC · 

I feel as though I am shedding my skin
like a snake does
slowly but surely changing
feeling tired and lethargic while the transformation is happening
loading all of Rick's remote airplane equipment today
I know he held each one tenderly at some point
like he did me
my family is here and they can only partly comprehend
it is stressful, joyful and sorrowful all in day
a roller coaster ride I would not wish upon anyone
floating in the ocean
imagining him holding me in the warmth of the waters
I don't want to get out
my soul yearns to hold onto the peaceful calm of the waters
his voice inside me telling me it will always be okay
I hold my faith in my broken heart
small pieces crumbling away as I give parts of him away
In less than 8 months, I have given up all that was closest to my heart
there must be a reason
I try not to question the motivation
sometimes if feels impossible
not to wonder why or think what have I done to deserve this?
Is it a punishment or redemption?
For now, i try every moment not to question why
I search for answers of how I will make it through

Open

Today my niece and great niece
sat under the dark green leaves
of my giant magnolia tree
swinging softly on a half rotten swing
Noah, who is three pointed to my house
"her house looks like a garage"
he proclaimed
and B suggested a mural above my house entrance
thinking of the joy and love Rick Page and I put into our work
I agree a mural or sign is a great idea
My teal green bear riding on the back of a great blue heron
stars dangling from the reins
and since the name Waking Bear Studio
actually means "Awakening of the unconscious"
it finally feels appropriate after a year
to find myself waking from this stupor
a kiss from the three year old seals the deal
so a mural it shall be
a few shooting stars to add a little magic
and stardust where it is needed on so many days

Ocean

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What's on your mind?

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Martha Murphy

5 mins · Shallotte, NC · 

Just when I think the pain of 18 years has lessened
it crops up among tears and hugs
and boundless love
a bridge that is always there
between me and my family
Rick Page had assured me countless times
to never let go
never give up hope
and above all remember to let your love shine through
so I hold my heart out
eyes half closed
half fearful of rejection
and then Noah sits on my lap
points to Fiddler crabs
and it is all okay again
I hug Alex close
like hugging a giant tree
feeling his warmth and love flow through us
like water for water
tomorrow dogs in tow
we will paddle board and kayak
splash water
tell scary shark stories
and feel the currents that twist and turn us all
in the end though
we will make it safely back to shore
stronger and more assured than ever before

Milky Way

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Martha Murphy

8 hrs · Shallotte, NC ·


At yoga today
Lori said, live each day like you are dying
I found myself in tears
hot salt running down my face
as my partner was helping me to stretch
and maybe that is the point
I need to stretch and grow
finally beginning to glimpse what Rick Page
so simply said
"Be happy"
finding myself looking at an angel drawing
a first grader did for me months ago
with big green letters: BE HAPPY
Tonight, my great nieces and great nephew
hunting ghost crabs
under the gorgeous gaze of the Milky Way glow
Noah, a bold three year old
holding a flashlight
excited to see a ghost crab the size of a half penny
My eyes, just catching that quick movement
his excitement at finding something on his own
he holds my hand
his striped shorts wet from warm waters lapping at his short legs
the four of us head back to the ocean cottage
Julianna, his oldest sister lifts him over a chair
his proud cry" I am just a little man"
and he is so much more than even me
innocent, kind and above all
living each moment
with breathless anticipation and joy
we reach together to touch the milky way sky
his warm hand in mine
and for a moment I feel love flow through us
I am grateful and feel a pang of joy
It will be a good two weeks rediscovering
self and others

Turtle Night

Only for tonight
I will share with you
a magical night on the beach
water changing from hues of green and blue
people waiting in chairs
anticipating that the drop in the sand
of a turtle nest we are watching
means life hovers below
as the night darkens
we are enthralled with the meteor showers
and then a sudden change in the nest
Viki likes to say the sand gets fluffy
and a sandy turtle head appears
waits, while we hold our breaths
then the boil of flippers, fins, heads and shells
66 in all
with red lights we guide them
down the man made trench
capturing this swarming mass in a sand encrusted cooler
it is too far to the white capped waves
we release tangled bodies into water
so warm it feels like a tepid bath
one lone turtle still in the cooler'
I check and with gloved hand
release him into a shallow water
it is a breathtaking birth
we observer and help where we can
I see a trail of a meteor
green glow and I know Rick Page
sees and knows it all
he sends another shooting star
the turtle boil is over
we drive home wondering at the wideness of our world
and how such a life giving moment
helps us treasure every breath we take

First

It is a year of firsts
first hour without him
falling asleep while touching his pillow
first time the phone rang
and I could only wish it was him
first meltdown
one day, months later
laughing over something ridiculous
a foreign sound that startles me
first birthday without him
small tasks completed
he can only watch and praise
in his silence
there are too many firsts to count
I have watered our property
with salty tears
I say out loud
thank you for all your gifts, your life and love
and I remember the first time he
told me he loved me
and there were tears of joy then
how different tears can be
I hold these memories
relive the joyful moments
and that is a first too

Guide Me

Feeling good is a day to day struggle
sometimes I am grateful for a good moment
I cling to these times and hope
the light will still guide me
When I am working
and painting or cutting sculptures
I feel like he is just around the corner
watching me, encouraging me and sometimes
telling me to slow down
take a breath and to be above all
alive, creating and still here
It does not get easier
some days it is sheer will power
and strength that gets me through
I have faith we are still one
in many ways
I still feel amazed at having been so loved completely
today I silently thanked him for his invisible guide
and love

Spirit

And one day
the very worn and tired looking Velveteen Rabbit
became real
changed into another form
well loved from the beginning
and remembered for all the times he gave comfort and encouragement
Melissa Kanaskie Cullin told me
just think he is in the other room
you can still talk to him
hear what he would normally reply
collect those memories
store them in a beautiful box in your mind
and when you feel sad
open the box and let a memory float peacefully to your heart
the box will never be empty
and neither will I

Waning Moon

I look at a sky full of stars 
or are the stars full of sky
i wonder at the glow of colors
painting in my mind
stars of Vincent Van Gogh
Today a small package arrived
inside a silver necklace
with a single feather
the sender not knowing what this would mean for me
a sign from Rick Page?
He follows gently in my footprints in the sand
holds my gloved hand
while I gently turn over a baby loggerhead turtle
he feels my wonder at this birth
and then the death of a star
racing across the sky
in a blaze of gold and green
I hold my breath
make a wish and then turn it back in my mind
because wishing will not make it so
instead, I whisper a quiet blessing
for the journey of the turtle
star lit waters baptizing each baby
I wash the sand from my feet
close my eyes and feel him surrounding me
in the light of a waning moon

White Heron

Two golden days in a row
a morning paddle in the salt marsh
white herons standing on pencil thin black legs
bright yellow beaks against their snowy feathers
flying in silence as we float past
sitting on the board
my eyes close in the morning sun
the quietness stilling my heart
at home I work on a turtle table
zen doodling all afternoon
time passing so quickly
and I realize I have made it a good day
I am thankful for my work
being a turtle nest parent tonight
North Carolina has called me home